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It also features a “ripped-from-the-headlines” campaign, which I can only assume means that single-player primarily involves making racist tweets and shooting up a department store because you can’t get laid.
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Among improvements that actually exist, we’ve been promised: a new engine 20v20 multiplayer, with 50v50 modes rumored (by some guy I know on the internet) loving tanks and, to finally answer our prayers, a Tamagotchi pet on your wristwatch that’s fed by kills. Again.Īnd that’s when things start getting weird. Having completely exhausted the numbers 1 through 4, our benevolent benefactors of beneficence have bestowed upon us a COD game boasting fare so contemporary and bellicose as to almost defy the descriptor of “Modern Warfare.” Luckily, the English language has yet to evolve a more suitable moniker for this year’s installment, having wasted its inherent linguistic entropy on words such as “rehashed,” “stale,” and “diarrhea.” Thus, as our winged friends migrate south and our trusted life-sustaining solar overseer begins its oblique descent toward dim winter light, we are greeted with a pile of poo poo called Call of Duty: Modern Warfare. And let me say one thing right off the bat: this one’s gonna be a whopper. This begs the question: short of not writing a thread, which was my first instinct, how can I possibly put less effort into a writeup for a game I don’t care about and didn’t read a single word about than Activision has put into marketing and whatever studio has put into developing it? Futile a task as this may seem, I simply must log into the Something Awful forums once again this year and regale the Games community with my unique insider info about a game on which I have done no research whatsoever and have no plans to buy insider info which comes to me as if from divine writ itself while I sit on my toilet each morning. And perhaps most shockingly, Call of Duty is actually kinda good now.Īfter what was probably my favorite Call of Duty game ever, with a battle royale mode that was actually really fun and multiplayer that didn’t take itself so loving seriously which I gleefully played for like 200 hours or so without joining up with a single shitheel from this festering gangrenous mid-2000’s relic of the internet we call the Something Awful forums, it is with great regret and a heavy heart that once again I have to write another loving COD thread for a COD game that apparently they didn’t even bother coming up with a new name for. FARC is in peace talks with the Colombian government (although I’m not sure how well that’s going anymore). The US is in peace talks with the Taliban. The cancer death rate has fallen 27% since 1991, with 80% of all cancers curable if caught early. The giant panda is no longer endangered, thanks to decades of tireless conservation efforts.
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Hepatitis C, ebola, and tuberculosis are now curable. And despite the rainy weather outside, despite the late summer "gently caress all of humanity" levels of heat and humidity that make us feel as though the allfather himself is mouthbreathing his fetid halitosis-ridden breath all over our days-old-tomato-sauce-stained t-shirts every time we walk outside, and despite what *that one loving idiot* puts on Twitter and the mainstream media wants us to believe, the times we live in are actually pretty good. Well guys, it's a weekday morning and I'm working from home, so naturally I'm setting off to write a dissertation about Call of Duty whose care and detail unironically puts literally everything I ever wrote for school to shame.